By Graeme McNaughton/Active Senior’s Digest
It’s a talk that many adult children dread. It’s the talk that will have repercussions for them, as well as for their parents, both on the financial side and the personal side. It’s the talk about going into assisted living or getting some help.
Kurt Kazanowski, a hospice, home care and health system expert, has written a book, The 7 Pillars of Growth of Hospice and Home Care, which detail ways to smooth out that potentially rocky chat.
One big key, Kazanowski says, is not to postpone having this vital conversation.
“You need to start the conversation on the parents’ aging process sooner, rather than later. And it can’t be like the birds and the bees talk – only one time. It’s something that needs to be brought up into conversation,” he says.
“You need to have the conversation on everything from the parents having difficulties and having to take the keys away fro them driving to saying, ‘OK Mom and Dad, where do you want to be in five years? If you end up staying home, there’s things you have to do in terms of safety.’ Or maybe you could talk about going into an assisted living situation or getting help that way. The key to make the conversation less traumatic is to not make it a ‘OK, we’re going to sit down and have the talk,’ but to have frequent, small talks as your parents naturally age.”
Kazanowski says these talks work better in that they allow both sides to see where the other stands on the issue, and prevents rash decisions being made in a moment after something bad happens, which is often when “the talk” would sprout up.
“Usually the talk comes at a time of crisis, when something is going on, as opposed to being proactive and having those discussions and approaching them not from a, ‘Oh God, we got to do something because you screwed up,’ or something that creates a crisis in the family because that can create a lot of stress, it can be embarrassing for our parents who we respected and trusted throughout our whole lives, it takes away their dignity and creates a sense of loss in them as opposed to five years before that incident happened, being able to talk about what’s coming in the future, discussing their goals,” he says.
“That gives them control of the conversation, and if they haven’t started thinking about those things, they will start thinking about them. Instead of approaching from a reactive standpoint, this is proactively guiding a dialogue that will be rich and meaningful and help them lead more productive, in control lives as they age.”
One thing that prevents this important conversation coming up before a moment of crisis, Kazanowski says, is that many are in denial of their parents’ aging.
“They just deny it because their parents have always been there for them, and they can’t see them from a point where they need support. As well, people see themselves in their parents and their aging, and their mortality. That’s scary,” Kazanowski says. “People just don’t have the skills. Like I said in the book I put out, there’s a whole chapter on that stuff.”
You can read more tips in Kazanowski’s blog at asonsjourney.com, or by picking up his book.
